I've not been to this site in ages although I am still in touch with some people from back in the day.
My world just came crashing down and I'm struggling quietly. I'm grateful that this site still lives on. I am so lost. I thought I was better. I thought I had reached a level of healing that might not actually be possible. I feel like I am cheating on my spouse with PTSD, but I can't stomach the thought of him knowing this stuff about me.
I used to be in the twhj chat in the self harm channel. I doubt anyone is still around.
hey tweetyheart. welcome. i think some members from back then are still here. if you look at the top blue bar on this site, there's a "Members" button that lists members. you might recognise some names here. and i think others might be reading too without having signed up.
sorry that your world is crashing down though did you want to say a little more? i think healing is not lost but bad things can make it feel like a massive setback. you don't have to tell him, but all this stuff is not something bad about you. take care
i joined twhj in 2010, or maybe 2011 since i read without signing up for some time. see you around i hope
Thank you for replying. I used to be impossible to trigger but now everything does. I can't function with constant flashbacks and memories I can feel physically although my head is present. I feel so alone with my memories. One in particular.
I know that the things that happened to me as a child weren't my fault. But as a 16 year old homeless girl I made bad choices to have shelter from the streets. I know I was just trying to survive, but I hate what I did. Yuck.I have only ever been good for one thing and I had only 3 of 38 years of not having someone else in charge of my body.:*(
I need a way to obtain therapy but I cant afford even $20 a week. I didn't ask for this yet I'm too poor to seek treatment. It hurts so bad to know that society doesn't care. I know my disabilities make me useless to society. But once upon a time I was able to serve my community. Is that worth nothing?
My husband cares for my physical health. He is 30 and brings me to the Dr in my wheelchair, picks up my many prescriptions, changes my insulin pump, et. al. But I can't handle the possibility of him thinking about my past when we are intimate.
I appreciate your reply. I feel so alone here. No-one in my real circle of friends has been through c.s.a. That's a good thing but they can't understand the violation. It started 31 years ago and lasted for over a decade. I know that wasn't my fault. So why is it never going to wash away? I want an epidural.