I don't feel like I can live with this anymore. I love my husband too much to hurt him. So no need to be concerned. But I sometimes wish he didn't care if I disappeared. I'm so sad all the time. I don't know where to turn. If I weren't disabled I could seek support. I'm stuck at home and my entire check goes to the rent. Feeling so hopeless. I feel like a pressure cooker that's getting harder to contain by the day.
I apologize to everyone. and to the world for putting out so much negative energy.
hey tweetyheart. i'm soo sorry that you're feeling so trapped
i don't know what kind of support you can get without leaving your home, but some therapists do waive fees and do home visits. it's probably hard to find and especially for in-depth therapy, but there are kind people out there who are Ts and who can at least be alongside you and offer you support to be in a better place. there are phone lines if you can find comfort from talking to somebody and don't let any bad experiences hold you back from trying to find a good one. i know it's probably still really limited but at least it'd be someone who knows you're worthwhile (which you are!) and can lend you strength to keep going.
your husband would have married all of who you are, regardless of what you struggle with or not. i hope you can take some comfort in him and that he's a supportive person. i think it's good that you have somebody in your life (including friends you mention in the other thread) and i hope they give you a sense of connectedness and meaning even if they're not 100% with the trauma stuff. i think it's kinda weird how friends and regular people can't be there for us for everything. but it's just a thing that's limited about people. it's not a reflection of your right to feel this way and to help yourself as much as you can.
whatever is judgmental or unfair about being disabled - it's not a reflection on you. it's just a reflection that there are problems with the system or with some people's idea of things. but you're still right to be trying your best to feel better, for YOU.
i'm sorry that there's so many memories though. i'm not sure if something triggered it or if you have some ways to deal with it before this. like things that keep you going or things that remind you of hope. if stuff is coming up protesting to be heard, maybe there's a place you can put them or express them in a way that's bearable and gentle for you. sometimes material refuse to be shut down or forgotten, but you can find a space for them that is accepting for them and kind for you.
I'm okay right now, but when night falls.. everything starts all over again. I don't know how to avoid my biggest trigger (bedtime). I didn't fully grasp why I used meth when i was younger, but i do now. It's been 20 years and I've never thought of it in a good light. The past two weeks have taken a different turn. I am not going to use again. I'm stuck at home until other people help me do anything. I know that I have about 3 or 4 hours until my head starts to get all messed up. I have tried a lot. It is what it is, I guess. I hope you have a nice night or day. Whatever it is where you are.