|
Post by experimental on Sept 18, 2017 10:45:38 GMT
My mother emailed me for the first time in months. I don't know how she is but it still triggers me and feels yuck that I hear from her. But she told me that my grandpa from her side is critically ill and might not make it. I don't think she's exaggerating or being dishonest because he's in China and she's not able to travel there this time. (so it's not about roping me in to see her and be dependent on her)
I care about him. I feel too dead and tired to feel anything right now other than triggered. I want to see him but other family will be there around the clock and it'll be too triggering. It's also a different dialect of language to what I can speak fluently so we can barely speak and he has hearing issues so I won't be able to talk much.
He's the only living 'good' family member though. He was never around me enough to protect me. But he never abused me. When I saw old t, it's old grandpa that I remembered when I first started to have emotions. He first taught me qi-gong when I was a toddler and he didn't know it but I held onto that through my abuse and it lends itself now to my meditation and to how readily I take up energy and somatic work. It's the one patch of humanity that wasn't ruined.
It's not about me though, that's just background. But i'd like for him to know that I haven't just run away from home or abandoned everyone for no reason. I might not be able to explain it but i'd like him to see that I haven't forgotten him.
But last time I travelled to china for a funeral it was really horrific. But I didn't have that connection with the person who died and my mother was there then.
I dunno how I feel. I need to make a decision quickly though.
I'll also struggle to afford flights and accommodation (no way i'm staying with family) but I can probably make it but if it turns out bad it's gonna be one more thing to be depressed about.
And another 'superficial' thing, is I have exams next week. I can probably apply to take it later. But I have a perfect mark/GPA right now. and I dunno, it's my one anchor of sanity and control over my future. And it's a personal thing vs my horrible undergrad that I can probably get over, but I don't want to let go of it.
I can probably schedule an appointment with a T I saw for a little bit.... she's this spiritual, arty, simple-life older woman. She'll be a good listener. But I don't know if I want to go back. I was so miserable seeing her. I didn't post about it here though cos it was also so detached and unemotional in a way. She's a good listener though and really non-judgmental, and she always seems to have availability.
I wonder what I want. I want to see him I want to be able to talk to him rather than struggle I want assurance that I won't be too shut down and too triggered I want to know that I can stay myself and that any parts with struggles can benefit from the experience rather than be traumatised by it I want to not get horribly physically sick which is also scary I want to not miss the end of his life I want him and I to spend time alone I want to not have a language barrier so that I can tactfully convey things of meaning without having to explain the complicated (not that I can) I wish there were better amenities over there so that I don't get triggered by lack of readily available clean drinking water, a soft bed and shops that accept credit cards... and public transport so that I don't get stuck and stranded out there (it's remote) I want to trust that I won't shut down but I don't, and it's way more triggers than I've exposed myself to in a very long time
I could call, but it'll be through a relative and be put on loudspeaker to everybody I can feel an internal relief at the call idea... maybe I should figure out a script in the next 2 days. My mother's sister will be there and I was rude to her last time she tried to guilt-trip me about my mum's fake health emergency but I might still be able to ask her to use Skype with me while visiting him. That means everything I say will be with her there. But I will say it if I can. But it's the language barrier and he can barely hear even in person. She'll also need to purchase more internet data than she'd normally get so I'm not sure if that can happen.
I can't feel how important anything is to me. But he's the only family member I care about. Aside from my cousin whom I don't speak to... yeah i'd care if he was ill too. The rest of them can die. Just wanted to say that to be clear to parts heh.
|
|
|
Post by experimental on Sept 18, 2017 11:48:23 GMT
Wow flights are cheaper than I thought. Just shows how long I've not looked at international flights. OK i'm going. I don't know how urgent it is and I don't trust mum's sister to tell me the situation. But exams will be done in 9 days and if I catch the flight out then and stay just a week it will be OK, maybe. I can afford to stay in a hotel that tolerates English and expats and maybe stay closer to the city and travel out there every day for a bit, except retreat days where we're gonna enjoy ourselves because I don't have to stay miserable for serious times. Go to a shopping centre and hide there in the familiarity. I won't have most of the internet but I can come here. heh.
Started to write an email to that T to ask for an appointment but parts really don't like it urgggg. They wanna study and focus and thrive off the stress instead of let her make everything slow and depressing and silently listen to us with little input or insight. Grr. But she knows us. Went to see her after a bad medical appointment some months ago and she was in that list from the place I contacted some time ago and she said she had experience with DID. but what she really means by that is that she has DID clients and they get generally get along and nothing happens and whatever you'd like to talk about or do, you will do, whatever anybody wants can happen and she'll tolerate, but there's no sense of resolving the trauma or any kind of forward movement or seeking to do better. I was dying of inertia.
We can handle this without her. But I do want to talk to somebody. And quickly ish. :/
|
|
|
Post by experimental on Sept 19, 2017 11:14:46 GMT
Yuck today I feel pretty triggered and exhausted. Flat out day at work with crap and I was pretty out of it. Not that dissociated though, I find if I stay grounded the bad feelings move on quicker. But from last year (or the year before now?) when my mum tried to contact me I know that my limit is about 3 days before I feel like I can't do anymore. But going to china requires a visa and passport and all that stuff. I can't find the hospital's contact details mostly cos I can't read or write chinese. and I find all of it triggery.
But i'm in touch with aunty now. I feel triggered and criticised and shamed and smacked by everything that is written in chinese. I'm hoping that's not a bottomless trigger and hoping it'll lighten up if I look at some chinese websites online. but i'm afraid it could be chinese parts rather than simple triggers like that. The system isn't deep enough to be fully in another language/country but there's a sharp English/chinese divide and I dunno if i'd be enough.
Also I messed up an assignment urgh so there goes perfect marks. seems so badly timed. I didn't do badly for a specific reason but I was just arrogant and rushed it out in a day and I dunno, shouldn't make that a habit. Esp with a brain injury.
I'm speaking to my cousin too, the one who moved back home, but she is working now and seems to be drawing her boundaries and i'm so proud of her!
|
|
|
Post by experimental on Sept 19, 2017 11:27:09 GMT
i'm chatting with the aunt on this chat app thing. it's making me sick. we're gonna need to practice - me and parts, to remember why we're going and what matters to us and why we're seeing him. I want a hug, a photo, and to thank him for the memories in childhood. (they're far and few inbetween, but it'll do. and that's why I'm going after all.)
I thought about asking for alone time but I'm not gonna get it probably. it's also awkward/weird/bad cos I didn't rush to see my mother when she was ill. albeit she exaggerated and lied about some aspects of it, but she was legitimately in hospital.
I need to keep sight of the childhood glow stuff. none of the obligations and norms and whatever else. I didn't even know his official name til aunty told me. I vwas afraid she wouldn't tell me. but the manipulativeness is too deeply hidden/buried to tell an actual lie. now I have the name and the hospital I can make my way there. And they keep calling it a hospital but it's not - it's a nursing home. He lives there. I keep expecting to be judged by staff in my mind but to h- with them and there will hardly be any anyways, it sounds like.
i'm gonna call a helpline tomorrow. the one that's not for crisis and is fairly ok for a phone line. then I need to study, book flights, and plan things for parts.
I tried to be a little bit honest to friends about visiting my grandpa and not wanting to get involved with family too much but even that is so foreign and weird and no one knows wtf i'm talking about. eh.
|
|
|
Post by experimental on Sept 19, 2017 12:40:08 GMT
I'm doing this exercise challenge thing with some friends (well, a barely-friend got myself and all of her friends into it) and they send u a pedometer to track all your steps. So I've been jumping around the house like an idiot to wiggle out of this triggeriness and to keep parts alive instead of kinda collapsed and it's doing great for my step counter LOL Now they wanna snooze I think I might just do fine with this trip
Hey one thing that came out of all the bad-T's saga was me becoming more bold and thick-skinned about what I need and expect. So I'm gonna tell the phone counsellor I need help planning the system to meet with grandpa with or without other family's interference. And if they're not privy about parts they're getting a crash course and then i'm gonna run with it and they're not gonna have many opportunities to wreck it. Jussayin.
I would want better for actual therapy lol..... like, better for me and better for my behaviour also. But this isn't it so.
BTW I was surprised to tell that neuro guy the other day about how there's not much therapy here and I hope to reconnect with it later maybe in a different city after I move but how it gets me into a bad headspace to be looking for therapy and getting disappointed. Man it sounds so vanilla. BUT HE AGREED and we were like: wtf not prepared. But he went on a spiel about psychoanalysis and hypnosis also so yeah that's why we're like oh hello I got something about this. in our head I mean. appointment's in 2 days and I still wanna do this even tho this current issue is like taking up all the attention and energy. While parts are around I wanna do something good for them while I can and be together and aware of one another. Was getting a bit stagnant and lost with life again before all this. Not totally lost but I was looking for some momentum and change.
Also we're more guarded and well-protected with actual conversation and not letting bad counsellors have a chance to say the wrong thing. But the door's not shut so it should be ok, as demonstrated by that appointment with the neuro guy. I wish I could stop calling him neuro guy lol but ummm what else
|
|
|
Post by experimental on Sept 20, 2017 3:17:04 GMT
Alrighty i'm going to go sort out the visa now. I haven't called a counsellor yet and I think i'm doing OK but am still holding everything in to stay organised. Wonder if I can get the rest of the week off work..... probably can.
I'm going to stock up on Australian chocolate and things for littles to hold on to and there's nothing more comforting than a chain hotel over there heh I have to confess......
It's gonna be like "Room", where the bond is everything. Where the held-captive mother gets the child who's never seen the outside world to rehearse the escape plan and he lives for it no matter what. That's gonna be me. Whatever the outcome this still counts. And i'm gonna make sure every single thing I do is gonna serve that instead of be blind to that. Everybody else can f off, I bring no gifts and shout no dinners. Visit no one (else), either. we're roping imaginary bethany into this along with old-t and I realise the counsellor thing is perhaps just to solidify it and externally mark what i'm gonna do anyway.
Too bad I don't have old t anymore to share this with. So many memories floating up to me. Bad/sad ones but not super traumatic, just, parts got the message I want to know their stuff in small gentle ebbs and they're giving it to me but I wish I could do them justice and provide them somebody else other than me. but there are important similarities even when it's just me, so I hope to process some of these precious things from the past. I hardly get to see it anymore. I may share it here. but I dunno where else, or if it's enough, if it means the same thing. All the little nuances of back then and all the quiet dysfunction even when no clear abuse is happening.
I wasn't afraid of this grandpa and we did origami and played cards and ate snacks and had "no more than 3 lollies a day" and comfortable predictable toilet reminders. I remember that I knew when to go to the bathroom but i'd wait for him to remind me cos it was comforting and a bit of attention. he made me less scared. but I could never tell him anything cos every interaction with him was monitored and forced after about age 6. So this is just him and me now and the rest of them can f off. It's gonna be like 'Room' and nothing's gonna stop me.
|
|
|
Post by experimental on Sept 20, 2017 8:25:19 GMT
Ughhhhh. I'm having the worst time trying to get a visa. Felt so shamed there. Can't elaborate just now. But I also don't have my old, EXPIRED passport which they need. Apparently there are new strict rules. I also need to get a "letter of invitation" from a local and my relative is doing that but that's so triggery and awful. Feel like I'm at my limit. And I don't want to commit to staying at relatives place but maybe I have to for this and maybe I'll bail once I'm there I dunno. It's all in the form. And I have a gov security clearance which means I have to report every time I leave the country and I really don't want to put the relatives details there UUGHHHHH. and if I can't find my old passport I might not even be able to go and after all this I really really don't want it to come to that ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
|
|
|
Post by experimental on Sept 20, 2017 11:40:39 GMT
I can't find my old passport, pretty sure I threw it out (after it expired). Aunty said she got through anyway with the same issue. So we'll see. I really feel like calling the crisis line now but i'll bottle it in so that tomorrow i'll be more urgently convincing at the visa office maybe. Ergh. Welp, at least I know I care now. I called old t's voicemail to hear his voice and he sounds tired hugs to him
|
|
|
Post by experimental on Sept 20, 2017 23:39:05 GMT
At grandpa's our day went like this: (I'd be around 2-5 years old. and occasionally between 5-8 yrs old)
wake up, free to do whatever until breakfast Breakfast chat toilet reminder tv and games together I get to play with the snack food and leftover scraps of paper while they prepare the cooked mini meal that's between breakfast and lunch. no pressure to do chores mini meal 1st of 3 lollies usually after this lol toilet reminder 'lunch'. I'm pretty sure they ate more while I was there actually... surely they didn't eat continuously between breakfast and lunch? draw or quiet play while they nap sometimes I had to nap too but after toilet reminder when they get up we can play and they talk about my mother coming to pick me up but I dread it I try to squish in games before then, and usually win (the fact that we play I mean, they don't let me win games LOL which I'm glad for I don't like when adults just let kids win whatever it's no challenge) grandpa wins most of the games. grandma isn't really playing so I'm second. but sometimes I win him for real. regular snacks, and lollie 2 of 3 mother comes back so bleagh
|
|
|
Post by experimental on Sept 20, 2017 23:40:09 GMT
toilet reminder before she comes but those are horrible like the last thing before the end
|
|
|
Post by experimental on Sept 20, 2017 23:48:31 GMT
and grandmas like, to him: why are u so happy u old man, shes a kid (lol about him having fun WINNING) and hes like: shush, PLAY (because she doesn't, shes just putting down whatever) he coaches me tho like save ur good cards, think about if u need it later, I saved that one because I knew u had something cos u kept looking at my hand. ehh? think! and he goes shush to the grandma, 'she can play, shes smart'
omfg I think this shit stayed with me. play to win and trust your mind. don't let home bs rob me too far. I mean it counted a miniscule amount but it stayed thanks grandpa
|
|
|
Post by experimental on Sept 21, 2017 0:25:39 GMT
that used to confuse me as a kid btw: I was like, how can I not know how to play if we're playing? how can someone play if they don't know how to play? he taught me how to play so of course I know? that always came up when people came over. and neighbours always come over. oh man I'm gonna be the gossip of the town when I go back. I'm a bit little now but we're all banding together as one. anyway, theyre always like isn't it hard to take care of a little one with your health blah blah, he has had longterm health issues. and grandmas like they play cards and watch tv. the old mans silly and loves it when he beats a kid. and he always says shush, SHE KNOWS HOW TO PLAY. to me that just means he says YAY to us and our time. so I'm like "!!!! " but now I understand what he meant. long as you know how to compare number sizes incl A/J/Q/K etc and the combos, YOU THINK FOR YOURSELF. THAT'S IT. it doesn't matter if you're a kid! once you've lost to a few strategies you learn it too. but anyway the adults are always like ohh really, ur a smart little girl eh eh? I hate when adults hog our time by being there saying the same shit. incl mum. but we had to pretend we don't like anyone better than mum. but now we're adult let's say f that b-. she had nothing for me and wont let anybody else do it either. i'm/we're gonna see him and convert all the gossip to "INYAFACE" sry that's yr6's attitude, she's around some now we gotta go do adult stuff like the visa ughhh. really hope we can go. otherwise idk. need to figure out something when it comes to that if it comes to that but we're gonna be as urgent as we can at the visa office today. procrastinating right now. it's not as dodgy as it sounds lol. aunty got thru without this previous travel list thing.
|
|
|
Post by experimental on Sept 21, 2017 1:05:28 GMT
we never knew grandma (at least that one.. we have 3 sets of grandparents) much at all cos shes always doing housework when I was there and joke-nagging grandpa to do more of it instead of playing. see I forget how bad our real reality was when u think of this, kind of like everything's normal. we gotta go but I wanna post a bit more. he'd teach me like 'ok I have 4 cards in my hand... are they big cards? are they small? should u let go of your cards now? maybe I have a combo right here and will win next turn. or am I lying and have 4 small cards?' and he knew I had either a 3-2 combo or a 4-1 combo cos I touched some cards but didn't put them down ... he was pretty much magical amazing to me back then. the people who always say the same things are like oh good thing she doesn't cry if she loses or whatever, but, why would I when it's fun! and I can damn tell when I get close to winning or not, when I successfully tricked him or not, all without cheating. and grandmas like: I bet he has small cards and hes trying to make u think he has a plan with big cards and I'm like REALLY??? and shes like to him: look what u did you made her all serious about it and hes like shush, PLAY!! but I am damn serious this was my life back then! I see now it's the only place I trusted my mind and could have control and mastery over things. borrowing big words feel weird n funny lol it's from the big experimental. but we're less fussed about mushing now and we're practicing being out and still being okay. anyway he rocked my world and kindergarten was dumb and maybe because of him I never completely forgot my own ability I mean I still lost lol but I knew what I was doing and u expect adults to know everything and be better at everything anyway so the few times I won was like WOW and grandmas like to him: u got really bad cards (lol), I thought u let her win finally but no you actually lost you stupid/silly old man but he gets it! my play was real! so are my thoughts! and plans.
|
|
|
Post by experimental on Sept 21, 2017 3:14:47 GMT
We got the visa!!!!!!!! Omg think we spent all the reserve we had to deal w this. BUT YAY!! we're so proud of the Chinese version of the 5 yr old coming out, big exp had her out to order coffee and stuff she'd usually do. Big is still around just to the side. Was so weird. Bit shy but pulled off ordering coffee and walking around to the visa building "pretending" to be the big and cos we needed her Chinese honesty don't wanna seem to white sry but the prejudice is real in those places we got a lot of that yesterday from the guy. But this time it was a younger lady. Pulled out the stat dec and neatly orderly documentation as tho messiness made us bad and less deserving of entering the country. 5 yo was ready to be shoved fwd to be sad like I HAVE NO FAMILY AND HES DYING but that wasn't needed. Woohoo we're through!!
Now back to planning n stressing for the actual trip and doing psych exams thru it. Only about 5 days to prepare. That's why we didn't do urgent expediate option cos we wanted some time. But I hope we don't miss him or something. Blech.
|
|
|
Post by experimental on Sept 21, 2017 3:49:56 GMT
My parents esp my mum would have me believe that I should be maimed or stoned in the street for "being illiterate" like a "homeless person" or "farmer". Pretty fkd isn't it when being illiterate, homeless or a farmer is exactly what's wrong w the world when we are supposedly better. The irony. Anyway this is what some scared parts are carrying around. The parents stopped us from interacting in any way in Chinese n hit us for being it. Just so they can then turn around and say we got westernised. Keep both and be out as required. Mum is insane like U WALK LIKE AN AUSTRALIAN but JUST FROM THE BACK and smacks us or kicks us
And at the visa office we dunno how real or not the triggers are but it's pretty common/acceptable for lots of people in china to be like: damn the young generation you're not even Chinese anymore so wtf get out. People are home trying to improve things (haha really? They're the same ppl shaming people for being illiterate farmers etc) and you left to be shallow and vain and rich and Hollywood-wannabe businessman-marrying capitalist little shits. Now you can't speak Chinese and ur parents should be ashamed of you. Who do u think u are being a gov worker trumps ass kisser. Get out forever.
Edit: fyi all of us can speak Chinese but it's just not fluent perfect like somebody our age should be if local, but some of the younger ones can pass as Chinese adult
|
|