The one family member i care about is seriously ill

UGHH never mind they called to say there's a problem. And that there's nothing I can do except to wait for their update. I'm sooo freaking exhausted from this.

today we're studying. I've tucked everything in so it's all surprisingly non-eventful. tomorrow is the final exam, then we're off to the airport.
it's a weird thought. haven't called any phonelines or allowed any space for emotions after the first few days, like the posts here heh.

it's weird cos it's like, I realise I've returned to my pre-therapy, pre-twhj norm. psych assessments vet me as normallish, heh, I study, work, i'm focused and emotionally singular. I mean alone, but without even the social capacity to call it that. I tolerate feelings a lot more and I allow parts out with more flexibility, so that my functioning is never about pushing them away. but it's so weirdly similar. I wonder where i'll be in 10 years time.

Hey. Just kind of checking in.
I've been here for a day and a half and have been putting off calling grandpa. I'm heading there today so must call. I will do after this post.

So it's 2 nights here in this studio to get settled within myself. Then off to the village at a lodge-like place. It's a few hours out so I'll be there the whole time that I'll see grandpa - 5 days. Then back for 2 more nights at a hostel. There weren't hostels out that way so I suppose getting it for the tail end of the trip doesn't serve the same purpose. But it's cheap and I'll be glad to speak to travellers so it's still good.

There's so much here I wish I could tell you. If people are reading. I tried journaling to myself but I couldn't really.

And I realised so many of my triggers are generic and I was really so afraid of not having water and being too scared to move or think. All the physical discomforts were so scary too. And I was always sick as a child. On top of constantly being in a mental funk. I wish I could reach it more and I miss old t for that. I wish he's around to tell. He's been the only T who really listened and was willing to experience my world. Then personal differences aren't so important. Otherwise the nuances and differences just seem too much.

I sat next to a chinese man on the plane who was triggering to me but he seemed nice if rigid/sad so I gave him a chance and left him my Australian number for when we both go back. God my English is not flowing can u guys tell... or is it in my head? I'd meant to keep grounded as me for this entire trip and its mostly been ok but the hard stuff is yet to begin. And I'm already losing internal context. The smell and senses of a place as different as china is so fitting to dissociation that it's hard to hold onto even without switching. I have a lot of stuff to keep me connected tho and I'm wearing a tshirt from the Kubo movie

About the guy, I'm trying to find more of my Chinese heritage/life-context and I may be able to find it through him. He seems equally desperate for acceptance. It's complicated/ culturally nuanced, bleagh I dunno, but don't be concerned. This guy came to Australia 30 years ago and now lives alone and seems bitter and sad about it. Also seems really stuck in old communist china mentality. That's where a lot of the layers of my abuse lie. It's all layered and I just feel like I'd have no hope of reuniting with it except for Ts like old t which I may never find again. Capacity for a really felt, first-hand-like empathy. Even if I found it I'd probably run a mile cos it's not trauma aware enough, parts-aware enough. I wonder if it's possible to be both but I doubt it.

So much of my experience in china is just collecting within myself, biding time, avoiding attention, and coping with staying silent for hours and hours on end. When I stay in a hotel like now (it's Airbnb) I lose touch with it all and forget why I claim to be abused or what the big deal is even if I was. But I agreed with parts we're going with the plan so I'm glad I'm not near family when I can't keep the truth in mind. It's still confusing though.

Soon as I landed from the plane everybody acts like my parents in general mannerisms and I'm confused. I think moving countries as a child gave me a lucky escape, you guys. Even though abuse still continued in Australia the English and nuanced differences between people protected the world from turning as bad. That's why I clung to non-Asian people in my mind and it's an unexpected escape that they couldn't have controlled. Or as easily.

Same with the internet. It was my escape outside of their awareness and control.

I also remembered the extent of information control they had on me. I feel triggers being scared of everything and everyone in china and not being able to think in freedom. And being made to believe I can't do anything. I don't know the basics of society like public transport or small talk or bank accounts or literally anything. Then I was punished for being this way when they made it so. But this time I'm just acting like an Australian tourist or businessperson in my head and sheltering parts from having to face things here. This way I can figure stuff out, and it's not hard. Like read a map, ask, etc. language barriers aren't so bad. Or shameful. Then I try to share the experience with parts. Though I dunno if they really get it. It's so complex in there. I wish I had someone to process it with. The extent of fear and information control and dysfunction.
And the memories too. As a child just the travel switch was overwhelming with soooo much detail and emotion. But I lost detail in the concussion/brain-injury and integrating some trauma also mushes the memories a bit and I miss them and I miss the depth and complexity of insider memories.

Anyway I better go. This is longer than expected. I'm glad though cos I couldn't write to myself before lol.....

I hope you're all doing ok.

I saw him. I'm not sure what to say, it was ok. But I'm a bit disappointed...? I dunno, I'm a bit emotionally flat too. It's 7.40am and I find myself procrastinating in bed and not wanting to be seen or run into anyone at this hotel/lodge. And that's not good maybe parts are triggered. It's a pretty constant and regular feeling for me tho. But ughh

It was ok seeing him but the language issues are worse than I thought. He doesn't seem to register anything I say. Though he tells me stuff in bits and pieces that I don't understand anyway. He said I look healthy and health is the most important thing lol.

He is getting better! So that's the only good thing. He's recovering. From a lung infection. In china you buy treatments upfront in the hospitals and he didn't want the treatment. It's cos they're rural-ish they tend to see any treatment as an interference when it's "your time to go" esp when the treatment is western medicine. He's 94. There are so many intricacies of culture I'm hit by. I've never been able to be a part of it, even the parts that belong to this material. This is really really old fashioned even for this part of town though and he agreed to the treatment after a few days. It's "just" a lung infection and I reckon he'll be fine soon. How's that for patient rights lol, they won't save you if you don't sign. Jokes.

I can't really talk to him at all though. And I'm bored out of my mind which is vaguely triggering. There's also people coming to visit him practically constantly, which I expected. Aunty (my mums sister) greeted me warmly and hugged me and they (incl grandpa) all talk like we visitors are all close and travelling together. Even tho I'd texted her I'm staying alone and don't want to see any of them and she kept talking about chauffeuring me around and giving me a precharged cash card and I said no rudely. Grandpa kept telling Aunty to take me to eat specialty foods from this town and to watch me in case I get lost around here and to tell him what I want to see and eat and do. So we agreed. But it's so sad. I dunno. And he showed me photos from my last visits years ago and all I remember is the pain and torture of enduring it. But clearly he thinks warmly of those photos. This visit now is different for me but not for him. I tried to tell him I remember about playing cards, as it was in the agreed script with parts (I don't have an actual script but just general things but the word script caught on with parts). And he interrupted me to point at some food on the table and tell me to have some. It wasn't hurtful but just sad. And so much I won't be able to communicate. Anyway my childhood time with him would be a long time ago to him. He's bragging to nurses that it's been over 24 years since I went overseas and he didn't know what was gonna happen but I'm grown up now! Well he seems happy about that I won't ruin that lol. The life I've had. (Not that id left before it began) But nor can I. I can't even communicate any aspect of what this trip means to me.

He also talks more to Aunty and treats me like a child to be minded. Which kinda makes sense esp as I can't speak the language (this regional one). But I'm just there like a placeholder bum on seat instead of anything special. And everything is lovely-noisy-familylike with my aunt. And I'm like her foreign-guest-kid who's just there. This afternoon is my only time with him alone then 4 more days with family. Can't wait to leave actually. And it's so mind numbingly boring and there's no hot water for tea or coffee or much of anything to do. These small luxuries are my safe escape I guess.

I got my hug and photo tho. Photo looks awesome. Bit weird/deceiving.

I feel like I want to communicate the meaning more somehow. Last chance today. It'd be abstract at best considering my parents are the good guys here. But idk, I'd be happy with anything. I want to say I'm not close to my parents like I was with you. That's not an easy thing to say when u have no adult words and the listener is almost deaf and you're in different dialects. A note would be too weird but I'm considering it. I'll need to use a translation tool. Omg new hope! I won't be overfocused on my needs tho I just want it to be meaningful. And I want to be nice and attentive to him in ordinary ways but it's hard not to shut down and do nothing when everyone hustles and bustles around you constantly fussing over him and telling me to sit and eat and wow you must speak English wow you're big and tall (that's a compliment for kids growing up) how long are you here wow you still can understand a little bit sit sit eat eat eat. It's busy as f.

I hate how Aunty is almost welcome in my mind for being the only person I can speak the same language with (in Chinese). And she's nice and warm and conversational. Be so easy to go eat and shop with her and see a movie and giggle about makeup. She told me she bought her dress online and how id look good in it and did a twirl dance for me. Everything's so damn great. But no. Not in agreement with parts. It's like I'm always dumb for living simpler and for acting like stuff is wrong. This is why some parts can be a pretentious bch and have pretentious bch friends. Can't keep up with those anymore tho. Previously it's easy to give in cos I'd forget the pain and some parts can enjoy it except for the backlash and it's just so easy to shop eat and play and be fine. Like what abuse? What a bad word?

Lol kinda funnynotfunny that at the same time grandpa wanted to forego basic treatment for an infection as tho it's fancy. Pretty sure he has no idea what they're like, no concept of this kind of flaunting urbanite thing. Except for city fashion that he figures young people (incl my parents, anyone under 60) like.

I really gotta go I spent an hour typing this. And idk if it's real but they tell me it's hard to get a taxi back and gave me a free room AT the nursing home to stay at. Which I took up. I get the room alone. Then I'm procrastinating talking to hotel staff about payment cos I don't have enough cash ughh cos of the wrong info online and it might be hard to pay them any other way. They don't take international credit cards and I might need to talk them through signing up for PayPal. No banks within walking distance cos local ones don't deal with foreign currency. I'd come back and pay tonight but it'd make them nervous and I don't like it.

Ughhhh I don't want to get up and face the day.

Forgot to mention I keep meeting relatives I don't know at grandpas. Including one uncle who told me he and my dad were there when I was born. Like, prematurely and almost died and nobody cared that j almost starved to death after a month?? Because I wasn't awake during feeding time so they didn't feed me? Then I was rushed to Shanghai city and soon discharged but I was really sick and almost died again?? Idk. Whatever.

Far out I need to stop typing and get on with my day. I'm on my phone. It's pouring rain and

How is it going? Were you able to tell him how important he has been in your life? I hope at least you were able to just say...you are the most important family to me
That guy seems creepy to me. Of course I think all guys creepy, lol.
((((((((((experimental))))))))))

Cindy thank you so much! ((((((((((Hugs)))))))))

I feel really disconnected. I leave the nursing home area tomorrow so today's my last "chance". I do have a few hours with him alone in the afternoon. But I haven't said anything meaningful. It's too awkward and distant. Also my aunt being around is so confusing for my head. Though not directly triggering since she hasn't done anything directly bad to me.

I miss good, heartful things with purpose. Made the mistake of going on Facebook and man I really dunno what to be in the psychology-student world. I'll need to hold on tight to who I am there too. I don't like the vibe and atmosphere. Or the personal issues mix, holy moly thank you twhj for sheltering me for years lol. Last time I noticed this too but I thought it was just me being messed up. It's more this time around either cos having personal history is considered better now or cos this uni has a lot of older students who chose this as a career change. Like me? But oh man no why are people so simple minded
And ugh the royal commission is coming to a close and people are talking about false memories cos it made the news far out no bleagh do not want to read or think right now wtf get out of my phone gack. I so thought they evaded this one for the most part but nooo.


It's so hard to talk to grandpa and half the time he's sleepy and not listening. Don't think he's as well as the first day I saw him :/ and he's refusing to take white blood cells. He also asks when my mothers going to arrive. (She will after I leave next week) When I speak I'm never sure if he hears me. And I looked up words to write a note with yesterday but didn't do it. I tested some old ordinary memories with Aunty eg the old room I used to live in and she said I have a good memory in this happy cheery way. Old stuff probably don't mean that much to him tho and I can't bring in the complicated stuff about my mum (essentially his child tho he's not the bio dad) and there's no place for shades of grey.

Cindy I like your line and I'll try to say it!

All the old stuff here are filled with memories. Sad pained ones but not super traumatic. But it also disconnects me from meaning just like before, like all my other visits with parents.

Yknow it strikes me his values have always been this way and he's very un-brainwashed the entire time. Hooray! Heh. I'd be scared to speak it but he's very natural about it. Very untraumatised too. Can't say the same for the entire generation of my parents and school teachers.