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oh man
Nov 16, 2017 2:10:30 GMT
Post by experimental on Nov 16, 2017 2:10:30 GMT
i just went through this thing that might have been a turning point about old t. i'm exhausted. ended up sobbing my heart out. and im still not totally sure what it was about.
i do try to visit places in my head and resolve them. in the absence of therapy. heh. i hope its not idealistic to think i can process this with somebody else one day. i'll probably throw up defenses but they're real sensitivities too. anyway i do do these things alone. and i feel like i should say 'do not try this at home' but thats what im doing so.
we went back to the hitting incident over 4 years ago, but this time to the hostile one soon after it. that threatened the t but was sooooo confused more than truly hostile. did scare him though sadly. he still tried to be there for us. the whole thing was confusing. we offered that part care and showed 'him' he wasnt as alone as he thought. directed him to find me in the system. introduced him to some of the care and attention old t gave to "all of me" that were only received by other parts than him. it deepened the divide at the time.
i'm sooo exhausted. feel shattered. time is warped. we played with time there and catched him up on my life since. our life considering we tried including him in things.
oh man its like one of those deep sessions that u need a day's rest afterwards.
bleahhhh
oh we emailed old t a lot. it was processed through that. i dunno it feels kinda wrong. but i know it's allowed and he won't mind terribly or anything. so there's reassurance in that. but im not sure that doing this is really right or good. but i know it's worth it for us and isn't like, bad. i dunno. too tired.
so time-warped right now which i take to be a good sign. time to be grounded or whatever lol. i miss these layers and parts i tend to keep them around some.
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oh man
Nov 16, 2017 2:32:15 GMT
Post by experimental on Nov 16, 2017 2:32:15 GMT
and i post here like this is a cohesion-gathering-point. cos it's where i've put everything over the years. but the forum wipes and stuff and times change and people go. so it's symbolic more than anything. but it still matters, right?
im so weepy and little noises make me scared and im fragmented and hurt like back then. except back then i had the backdrop of actual concussion brain fog too. i think things have shifted tho and when i regain some energy and rest, i hope im closer to moving on.
ive already moved on in a lot of ways. but not my 'heart' and capacity to relate to people. everythings painful for me and i cant be with people even in the way i used to be able to. havent written much about that. cos it's kind of hard to describe and also mundane. there is so much to life and healing beyond 'safety' and getting out of this vortex of extremeness, it's so weird you guys. i'm feeling a lot and not sure like, how to live with this. WITH this. not exclude it. but it's not extreme or desperate. i didnt even know it was that, until i'd moved past it.
better stop typing and make a coffee tho, heh
i dont know how to not be comforted by his presence, old t's, on some levels still. they've been dormant most of the time after he'd gone. i revived some. he'd have wanted for us to keep it for our own life, not to depend on him. keep his presence i mean. and it WAS fine for many parts. everythings so subtle.
but first, coffee. then study, and then appointment.
roll on, system
oh yeh we showed enthusiasm in study and somebody yanked us straight into the professional world. so much for keeping our head down for a couple years to sort out our lives. im hiding. not sure how soon i'll have to contact old t to figure out what to do if we face each other out there. what teh heck. the other Ts im not so concerned about but i was gonna send a courtesy thing too if it looked like circles may overlap. the world is so small i really wanna anonymitise myself in real life. all of it prompted some of this too. and so much clutter and people all talking the same way over-discussing shit bahhhhh. need time for parts like this.
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oh man
Nov 16, 2017 2:35:05 GMT
Post by experimental on Nov 16, 2017 2:35:05 GMT
he knows.
it seems i have his support which is heartwarming. not that we've talked much about it tho.
i just duno if he knows im fragile, i couldnt trust him with it before right, who knows if he fully gets it now
but i did email a bunch of crap and now wonder if i overstated it
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oh man
Nov 16, 2017 21:54:35 GMT
Post by tweetyheart on Nov 16, 2017 21:54:35 GMT
I just want for you to know that I read your thread. I am not familiar with the things that you've been through, but it is great that you were able to email him about how you're feeling. I apologize if I misunderstood anything. I'm not always "clear" in my brain, but it's not because I'm not focusing. I understand what you mean about putting stuff here on a forum post. There's something about knowing that another breathing person knows what you're experiencing. I hope that you are able to get it worked out with your t. It's great that you can use email! It seems like you and I are the only ones using this forum. It used to be very busy. The chat I used to go to for self injury support is still there, but it's super quiet now. I feel badly for only coming back now that I need support. I don't want to take more than I give but I feel pretty useless right now. I wish I had more to offer other than this but any advice I could ever attempt to give would be full of hypocrisy. The advice I have for others is quickly rejected when it's for myself. Anyway, I hope things get better for you and for anyone else reading this forum. Anyone who has the ability to get to therapy, do it. You never know when it'll be too late. Take care.
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oh man
Nov 20, 2017 10:29:06 GMT
Post by experimental on Nov 20, 2017 10:29:06 GMT
thanks tweetyheart. i appreciate it.
4 years ago i self-harmed during a session. it ended up with a concussion and some long-lasting symptoms and changes (i think i was predisposed to getting this, like a lot of people with our history are). the circumstances around it also retraumatised me badly. but i've been making my way back and i'm glad for where my life's going now. i've continued to grow in new ways. this t means a lot to me and i regret how it all happened. i think the circumstances made it all hard to come back from even though i would really like to.
i do hope you feel free to post and that others post too. i miss this place. it only got this quiet when the forums crashed a few times. each time it loses some people. it was already quiet before this last time, and it crashed not long before that, too. also you don't have to be a member to view posts so i know some people don't feel as comfortable posting when that's the case.
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oh man
Nov 20, 2017 10:51:14 GMT
Post by experimental on Nov 20, 2017 10:51:14 GMT
oh and i feel like i hogged the last space a lot lol..... like maybe i dominated the forum a bit. i struggled through a lot of therapists and was frustrated by the feedback/replies i got sometimes. i also got more and more open about stuff, was going through some kind of transition where i try to build a new life and also trust my own judgment. and some other stuff i can't quite articulate. i try not to use this space gratuitously cos sometimes it felt like i imagined or pretended to be heard more than i was, and use the space to talk. by leaning on a relationship i've already built with this forum, even as the people here left or posted less. i don't have the same ease or ability to talk in a private journal or on some other forums. but i feel like i use it gratuitously sometimes and it feels a bit empty or sad or wrong.
i don't see this T anymore and haven't seen him for therapy for over 3 years, closer to 4. i've updated him from time to time though, and have called him when i felt like i had no one in the years since. i also saw him recently to pick up my clinical files after an unrelated insurance claim (for a car accident) brought up all my files. it was reassuring to see he hasn't changed and deeply cares. i'm glad to see i really trust him enough. but i also know it's not inconsistent with my relationship patterns, like my problems aren't going to be self-criticism and to some extent my comfort with him feeds right into the issues i have. i find myself asking whether i'm really respecting who he has been (or is) in my life by doing this. or am i playing out some form of "you werent there for me, so there - here's all my crap now. and i know you'll take it. because you're nice." while fooling myself with a sense of trust and ease. maybe i'll heal more if i stopped.
beginning of this year i enrolled to study psychology. it kind of reunites the part of my mind that has been in this space intellectually and with interest rather than in a self-focused kind of way. the "reuniting" is kind of rocking my world. i'm adjusting and wishing i could talk to someone but can't. and i feel constrained like i want to be free and expressive and i don't want to lose that innocence and freedom, as if it wasn't already in short supply. it's a weird space. also a weird sensitive space with the T because of the kind of issues we had between us that we both couldn't see.
actually, not just "here's all my crap now so there" but also this wish to close the loop, to claw back some of what i wish i had but didn't get. like retrospectively make it real. i found that recently. it's "ok", i trust that. but it can probably be better than ok - like not engaging in it and finding peace in a different direction instead. even if that involves, er not having anyone to talk to. heh.
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