I called a helpline and surprised to get through. I forgot how bad they are. I felt worse after 😭 Wasn't even trying to start anything deep. Just basic needed to talk to someone and thought a listening ear would do. Nooo I totally forgot how scripted, judgmental and limited they are. Can't even finish a sentence without some bs. I'm so sad and pissed off and weepy. I want to stay feeling fragile and young and not for it to be so fkn stupid. Apparently I've outgrown these things by having any shred of self respect. 😭😠😭😠😭
I'm fine just a bit young and weepy And fragile. I like this fragile feeling to make me emotionally connected but i can't talk to anyone then if not this I'm so sick of stupid freaking people A few things happened and I just wanna talk One of those rare times when I have enough emotions to talk and want to cry But no
I hate feeling worse like there's something wrong with u IM NOT Anyways yeh I'm one of the whiners of the system lol and but I found self respect and that sort of thing. I'm not that depressed or distressed but i just wanna cry and talk I'm still here I thought I'd have switched in by now. I pass as exp (well her real name) but can't talk to "friends" cos am too young even tho I'm mostly similar Really tame stuff tho Damn phone lines what the heck it's like they have the collection of the worst most unsuitable people When we were about 13 which is similar to my system age we used to feel more suicidal after calling and really impulsive but we still kept it in mostly. Cos we stuff things like that. It's nice not to be so restrained but we aren't comfortable being too inconsiderate which is a shame. Btw it wasn't a crisis line we called but might as well be cos she just does the script and doesn't even listen to a single thing.
I'm sooo frustrated and tantrummy and I don't wanna pretend to talk to the housemate since they got home just now AREGGG
Too distracted to say much feel so scrambled and pissed
Oh yeh I'm not sorry I called tho Just to stake my spot!!!! There's nothing wrong with it and I won't damn move I'm only tame-upset it's kind of fun I still wanna cry but even if there's no one to get it or treat me right it's still better than retreating or not being this way Maybe that's why I'm still out lol ha I'm almost the same as her tho I know I dont sound it Hmmm I'm sad tho
1. Stepsis got in touch again we haven't replied but wonder if we should and ugggg hate the lack of internal sense of what we want. But we remember the last time being tiring and disappointing 2. Reminds me of stepmum and how futile that was. 3. Don't wanna deal with work people and struggle to reply to text today but it's a new friend and I just wanna be alone and I'm tired of trying to be balanced or whatever in relatinf to people 4. Have a work party thing next week and need to shop for Kris Kringle/ secret Santa and am soo not interested and I gave up trying to make it be different 5. Have another party thing we feel suffocated by. Can still back out but idk. 6. I can't wait for everyone to go away to their families but I don't want this yr to be disappointing either 7. This is a big one - impt friend is complicated relationship and we decided not to talk anymore but it's all complicated and long history 8. I'm still bothered about thrgrandpa trip ARGGB I'm so frustrated trying to type 😭😭 9. Some other stuff where we are trying out new things but it's hard to maintain meaning and find who we wanna be 10. I don't remember. There was a 10th.
I don't even know how to not talk stupid and immature 😠😠
What the heck, I woke up as myself. I'm the same part that made the post yesterday. And everything hurts physically. I also have younger memories than like preteen so I seem to go younger than I first thought. I'm around a lot kinda but not usually this far out. This is weird. We have heaps to do today as an adult and I can do it but idk if I should cos don't wanna disconnect even more from big exp's workmates and friends that she's already not close to.
She reckons I'm a part for seeking care and believing it's possible. Not much is shifting by me just being weepy and by myself yesterday tho. But I don't wanna talk to people. I mean I do to a counsellor and wish it didn't suck but not interact as normal cos everything hurts (? ) and I'm too sensitive. And I dunno the life enough to care about topics or continue big exps conversations.
So been holeing myself in bedroom. We do that other times too when I'm around. See what I can do while I'm out tho. Hopefully better stuff. Somebody inside tells me the current date as tho it'll deepen what I do outside today. Like "yo, know this life more. Ur 30. Trippy huh?" I don't remember if anyone (young or insiders) made use of this while out. I want to stay out tho it actually feels more emotion-ful tho I'm a sook and (well there's a word from primary school) wonder if I should have trigger-warned u guys about myself lol. Like too little too feelings! Hope u don't mind n not too terrible heh.
Bit unsure of ourselves lately with the system stuff and that's been sad too. And yesterday I went into a multiples chat and somebody that called themselves a persecutor part was argumentatively sui and I talked to them after other people were losing their patience. It was ok I hope they got something better than mad. But I feel bad like betraying multiplicity ?? to talk to parts that don't naturally gel or play into a familiar (bad) dynamic. Lol I told them I'm one of the whiners of the system cos our one used to get the shits w my tone so it's like: warning I know I sound dumb but I'm not that bad n I'm not scared of u im on ur side. So it's cool too. But like, idk.
Ummmm instead of frying our brain like yesterday we should go and do stuff now. We remember old t, which is what brought up the time/age thing before. I think I was in session with him a lot. And am around that time in my head along with the time associated with my part-position. As in younger. Even the session times seem stuck to just several years ago tho. It's not a bad feeling. Ok gonna stop explaining and try to do the day now! Guess what we have an exam. HAHA. and I'm not even gonna try to switch back so let's see how much content we share huh!! Dw I'll be fine
I wanna sign off w "love u guys" damn I'm lame but ok bye
Oh yeh the big sic'ed this whole age thing on us at the last birthday like she just wanna be part of the club. Yknow the club where u talk about age and time LOL sorry. And then she was like man you guys are really bad at this wow o:
So we have diff "streams" or groups of parts in here I think I'm across 2 groups and in touch with way younger trauma parts without having the worst trauma myself That would explain why I'm not great at being normal either and am more insiderly than expected considering I know almost all of the outside life and hang around a lot and know how to do stuff. But can't interact with people much or run her life for long. Just at home. Or hanging out alone like buying stuff or walking around. Hmmmmmmmmmmm Let's try to get in touch w people irl after the exam We tried before but it's easier said than done and idk if I'm naive to think it's just tolerating them and going thru the motions so I can feel familiarity with them My whole body hurts n even if it didn't it seems we're just too different mentally Oh well time to be "experimental" lol and experiment
I'm still here. UUMMMMMM. maybe I'm here to stay. Surprise!
I'm almost her the main exp even tho I don't sound it. During the exam I almost felt like I was her but I def didn't switch so maybe it's a new era/phase. Hello world! She's here too just near me. I think we're gonna reconnect to some lost joy and sensitivity. Optimism.
It's still me. I'm tired and sad and lonely. Realised the "collapsed" feeling is also me. At least as far as the big is concerned cos I'm just receiving it from the younger more traumatised ones.
I'm tired. Been blended w the big one all day. Feel meldy like on the way to merge with her for good. But this isn't a comfortable mix. Ugggg. Lying in bed so stuffed today. Wish I could go back in. But I also wanna stay out and do good. Yesterday it felt like I was meant to stay out and eventually merge with her soon. Like I was meant to explore the better things in life. That she lost touch with after the old t incident and stuff.
I'm sad and too tired to do anything. Lots of stuff going on and not really any support. Lots of stuff seem connected with me as a part, also.
hi, update. wooow it's been almost a month?? unreal. it's still me and i'm better adjusted now. i'm still sad and weepy lol and i'm more combined and blended-in with the main exp. guess I'm main now? It doesn't feel like we 'integrated' since I don't feel like we shared material into each other, more like a membrane between us but still mixed. it's less clunky now and I go to work and stuff. it's weird cos I still feel quite young and I don't feel like I recognise any of the 'friends'. I think they feel it too. and I cant be bothered keeping up with talking, so I'm losing them more than we already were. but I don't really care. I don't get lonely I'm more sad in a comfortable way lol. I helped one of our system babies today. it seems the thing we're closer to doing than the main exp. I keep almost saying our real name! aaah! it's cos I don't even relate to my screen-name here. I know you guys though, and this forum, yknow and the ones who aren't posting here anymore, I did know u from inside and felt and cared. being sad has its functions doesn't everything lol but yeah. oh and I seem way closer to some traumas. so we're tryna make use of that. still heaps of assignments and we're late and I cant seem to muster the care to maintain our grades but we need it. it's fun plugging DD gently everywhere in the student forums BAHAHAHAHA people wanna hear it and it's good! technically I'm a part lol it feels like a novelty like HIIII, PART TALKIN' HERE. other than that some stuff is hard and I'm not sure if we inched forward in our life this year or not but I have no time to reflect right now except for this. take care everyone I hope you're ok and send u much care~~
I see that people are still visiting this forum even though you're not posting. I do hope people can feel comfortable posting more and starting new topics. I thought I'd give this place a break in the hopes that no one feels pressured to follow my tone or feel alienated by it, but yeah, I miss you guys.
It's now 2.5 months since the shift. I feel adult again, though I seem to have lost some of the confidence. And the other thing is that I feel awkwardly uncertain about my real-life name, the full firstname and the shortened nickname that most people call me by. It feels like each tugs on a switch that can't happen and I identify with neither fully. Oh well. Life of a DID lol. It feels weird to say that cos lately I've been downplaying the parts again but I hope they're all okay in there and it's a reminder for me to reach out to them again. We haven't regularly done the notebook-meetings for a long while.
What else. I feel uncomfortable and uptight in the 'professional mental health' side of things and it reminds me why I discontinued that path in the first place. I mean, besides personal issues and the like but that's always a part of people and I don't wanna overemphasise that. So I miss this place more cos i'm more connected to myself here, to my truths and the accumulated sense of who I am or where I've come from.
Update. Jeez people (Ts in the professional space) are crap. I don't feel bad at all that I freaked out for years trying to look for one lol. Was recently in contact with a bunch of Ts who are supposed to be in a very specialist position with DD, even if not (most of them) "experts". I also find myself being an ocean of acceptance and encouragement for them all. It's weird. Parts I hope u guys got somewhere to put that hate and despair and bewilderment. We're not done w the bs we got through alone. But by and large I'm sooo accepting and full of love and tolerance and kind encouragement under the hat of junior peer won't shame you just my 2c *HE<3RT!* Not sure I wanna traverse that again lol... so disheartening. Bleagh. As if my tentative sense of a greater wisdom needdd any more breaking.
Random side thought: Anon when she was here jeez how much are u supposed to take. Miss u and hope ur okay.
Sad thing for my parts is I do mean it too - I DO support and care for everyone no matter how they are and wish them the best and appreciate their effort and even if they're slipping down the dodgy side have some leftover grace for it all
Not to be mistaken with when ur T sucks and u shouldn't have to carry it. Or tie yourself into a knot trying to accommodate it. No matter the nature of suckery lol.
Eh. Poor sidelined parts. Need a multiple day tomorrow.