Feelings fragile and weepy

I hate feeling worse like there's something wrong with u
IM NOT
Anyways yeh I'm one of the whiners of the system lol and but I found self respect and that sort of thing. I'm not that depressed or distressed but i just wanna cry and talk
I'm still here I thought I'd have switched in by now. I pass as exp (well her real name) but can't talk to "friends" cos am too young even tho I'm mostly similar
Really tame stuff tho
Damn phone lines what the heck it's like they have the collection of the worst most unsuitable people
When we were about 13 which is similar to my system age we used to feel more suicidal after calling and really impulsive but we still kept it in mostly. Cos we stuff things like that. It's nice not to be so restrained but we aren't comfortable being too inconsiderate which is a shame. Btw it wasn't a crisis line we called but might as well be cos she just does the script and doesn't even listen to a single thing.



I'm sooo frustrated and tantrummy and I don't wanna pretend to talk to the housemate since they got home just now AREGGG

Too distracted to say much feel so scrambled and pissed

What the heck, I woke up as myself. I'm the same part that made the post yesterday. And everything hurts physically. I also have younger memories than like preteen so I seem to go younger than I first thought. I'm around a lot kinda but not usually this far out. This is weird. We have heaps to do today as an adult and I can do it but idk if I should cos don't wanna disconnect even more from big exp's workmates and friends that she's already not close to.

She reckons I'm a part for seeking care and believing it's possible. Not much is shifting by me just being weepy and by myself yesterday tho. But I don't wanna talk to people. I mean I do to a counsellor and wish it didn't suck but not interact as normal cos everything hurts (? ) and I'm too sensitive. And I dunno the life enough to care about topics or continue big exps conversations.

So been holeing myself in bedroom. We do that other times too when I'm around. See what I can do while I'm out tho. Hopefully better stuff. Somebody inside tells me the current date as tho it'll deepen what I do outside today. Like "yo, know this life more. Ur 30. Trippy huh?" I don't remember if anyone (young or insiders) made use of this while out. I want to stay out tho it actually feels more emotion-ful tho I'm a sook and (well there's a word from primary school) wonder if I should have trigger-warned u guys about myself lol. Like too little too feelings! Hope u don't mind n not too terrible heh.

Bit unsure of ourselves lately with the system stuff and that's been sad too. And yesterday I went into a multiples chat and somebody that called themselves a persecutor part was argumentatively sui and I talked to them after other people were losing their patience. It was ok I hope they got something better than mad. But I feel bad like betraying multiplicity ?? to talk to parts that don't naturally gel or play into a familiar (bad) dynamic. Lol I told them I'm one of the whiners of the system cos our one used to get the shits w my tone so it's like: warning I know I sound dumb but I'm not that bad n I'm not scared of u im on ur side. So it's cool too. But like, idk.

Ummmm instead of frying our brain like yesterday we should go and do stuff now. We remember old t, which is what brought up the time/age thing before. I think I was in session with him a lot. And am around that time in my head along with the time associated with my part-position. As in younger. Even the session times seem stuck to just several years ago tho. It's not a bad feeling. Ok gonna stop explaining and try to do the day now! Guess what we have an exam. HAHA. and I'm not even gonna try to switch back so let's see how much content we share huh!! Dw I'll be fine

I wanna sign off w "love u guys" damn I'm lame but ok bye

So we have diff "streams" or groups of parts in here
I think I'm across 2 groups and in touch with way younger trauma parts without having the worst trauma myself
That would explain why I'm not great at being normal either and am more insiderly than expected considering I know almost all of the outside life and hang around a lot and know how to do stuff. But can't interact with people much or run her life for long. Just at home. Or hanging out alone like buying stuff or walking around.
Hmmmmmmmmmmm
Let's try to get in touch w people irl after the exam
We tried before but it's easier said than done and idk if I'm naive to think it's just tolerating them and going thru the motions so I can feel familiarity with them
My whole body hurts n even if it didn't it seems we're just too different mentally
Oh well time to be "experimental" lol and experiment

It's still me. I'm tired and sad and lonely. Realised the "collapsed" feeling is also me. At least as far as the big is concerned cos I'm just receiving it from the younger more traumatised ones.

I'm tired. Been blended w the big one all day. Feel meldy like on the way to merge with her for good. But this isn't a comfortable mix. Ugggg. Lying in bed so stuffed today. Wish I could go back in. But I also wanna stay out and do good. Yesterday it felt like I was meant to stay out and eventually merge with her soon. Like I was meant to explore the better things in life. That she lost touch with after the old t incident and stuff.

I'm sad and too tired to do anything. Lots of stuff going on and not really any support. Lots of stuff seem connected with me as a part, also.

Take care u guys.

Hello,

I see that people are still visiting this forum even though you're not posting. I do hope people can feel comfortable posting more and starting new topics. I thought I'd give this place a break in the hopes that no one feels pressured to follow my tone or feel alienated by it, but yeah, I miss you guys.

It's now 2.5 months since the shift. I feel adult again, though I seem to have lost some of the confidence. And the other thing is that I feel awkwardly uncertain about my real-life name, the full firstname and the shortened nickname that most people call me by. It feels like each tugs on a switch that can't happen and I identify with neither fully. Oh well. Life of a DID lol. It feels weird to say that cos lately I've been downplaying the parts again but I hope they're all okay in there and it's a reminder for me to reach out to them again. We haven't regularly done the notebook-meetings for a long while.

What else. I feel uncomfortable and uptight in the 'professional mental health' side of things and it reminds me why I discontinued that path in the first place. I mean, besides personal issues and the like but that's always a part of people and I don't wanna overemphasise that. So I miss this place more cos i'm more connected to myself here, to my truths and the accumulated sense of who I am or where I've come from.